Keeping up with the social cliques in one’s life is a tricky business, and one that’s becoming increasingly essential as one navigates the modern world.
It’s a non-official blood sport, one that requires constant training with one eye firmly on the goal and the other warily watching your back. The quest for social betterment has become a 24/7 preoccupation, as we’re no longer content to settle for the happy-go-lucky social coincidence of yesteryear. At all hours of the day, we’re steering ourselves into more established circles, where advantageous friendships and influential acquaintances reign supreme, and opportunities are ripe for the taking. We’re driven by the need to get ahead and do better, comparing ourselves to others and enviously sizing up our friends, even as we toast their success through gritted congratulatory smiles.
And whether you take part with razor-sharp awareness or dim, happy-go-lucky naivety, the fact is we’re all striding towards the gilded upper echelons, albeit some faster than others. So, for those of you looking to escalate a rung or two, pay attention — the new order dictates that it’s all about location, location, location.
The School Drop-Off
Where:
Schools that have a ‘fast lane’ or a drop-off driveway. If it boasts a ‘VIP’ drop-off zone, then all the better. Make sure you have your shades with you, however, as the glimmering queue of sparkling luxury vehicles may cause temporary blindness.
Who:
Hot nannies driving the family’s latest 4WD, yummy mummies, and the occasional rich list dad dashing in quickly to snatch his offspring before all of the above descend upon him like hungry vultures.
The conversation:
Advantageous play dates.
How they dress:
Looking glamorous at the gates is a must. Form-fitting athleisure for the morning drop-off, followed by an assortment of discreet designer outfits for the after-school pickup — remember, it’s giving quiet luxury. Oversized sunglasses are also handy for hiding the dark circles after back-to-back champagne-fuelled nights on the social scene.
Ladders to look out for:
The wife of the CEO at your husband’s workplace.
Snakes to avoid:
The single mother who’s single-handedly making her way through the husbands.
The Charity Fundraiser
Where:
Golf clubs, stately homes, private members’ clubs, or five-star hotels. Anywhere that boasts a ballroom and a huge, glittery chandelier.
Who:
All of the usual charity doyennes, bug-eyed businessmen, and a shiny army of social do-gooders.
The conversation:
A curious combination of self-deprecating humour to sugarcoat their own generous donations, and a flutter of uneducated discussions about the ‘it’ charity in question, before quickly moving on to more important topics like holidays.
How they dress:
Extravagantly.
Ladders to look out for:
The charity chair who is recruiting for a new committee member.
Snakes to avoid:
Fleas that don’t make a donation, preferring instead to ride on the coattails of your own generous contribution.
The Exhibition Opening
Where:
A mix of established galleries and underground warehouse-slash-art spaces.
Who:
Avid art collectors, the usual wealthy patrons with dollar bills flying out the back of their Bentleys, as well as the inevitable art crowd limpets sporting tight, rolled-up jeans.
The conversation:
Loudmouthed puffery, grand sweeping generalisations, and plenty of long, ‘thoughtful’ pauses. They nod knowingly and pretend to understand when some stuffy turd starts to snob on about the next great master.
How they dress:
Thick, black rimmed glasses and tight trousers are de rigueur. A few will be wearing pieces from a clever underground Japanese designer’s debut collection. You haven’t heard of them? Hmm, well of course you haven’t.
Ladders to look out for:
The new rising art talent.
Snakes to avoid:
Tired has-been attendees for whom the opening is a chance to knock back free wine.
The Gym
Where:
Any inner city gym charging high membership fees. It calls itself a ‘community’ and is fitted out with steam rooms, infrared saunas and of course, the healthy on-site café — we’re talking Erewhon prices. It’s essential to work on your networking skills before or after you work on your core strength.
Who:
Plastic divorcées, eternal bachelors, and vacant muscle men. Not to mention determined up-and-comers hoping to get chummy with their superiors.
The conversation:
Macros, micros, the latest protein powder, future holidays, and of course, the blatant one-upmanship battle: “So, what’s your deadlift?”
How they dress:
Or rather, how they wear it. Dressed almost exclusively in Lululemon or Alo, they stride and stretch with purpose: shoulders back, glutes flexed, chests and pecs puffed out for the rest of the gym to ogle at.
Ladders to look out for:
Befriending an ex-All Black as your training partner.
Snakes to avoid:
Roid takers, intent on introducing you to the benefits of the ‘latest shake’.
The Races
Where:
The VIP area with enough liquor to encourage outrageous betting, cordoned off by a white picket fence and potted shrubs.
Who:
Husbands, wives, mistresses, toy boys and a posse of dandy charmers.
The conversation:
The amount of money they’re just about to pocket, the pretty, ill-advised waif who stupidly wore stilettos to an afternoon on the lawn, and who’s wearing the most outlandish fascinator.
How they dress:
Tarty party dresses and hats with ‘pizzazz’ for the ladies; checkerboard prints for the men. They’re channelling the royal eclecticism of the 1940s with their yesteryear aesthetic.
Ladders to look out for:
Members of the racing fraternity.
Snakes to avoid:
Trashy gals who think they’re the most important fillys on the field.
The Supermarket
Where:
Supermarkets such as Farro are equipped with large deli areas and free tastings, making it easy to position yourself next to someone worth talking to.
Who:
During the day, you’ll find ladies of leisure and stay-at-home mums searching for gossip and invites to private luncheons. Early evening or on a Sunday afternoon, you’ll come across affluent bachelors cooking for one but searching for another, while party girls sashay up and down the aisles hoping to meet their soul mate.
The conversation:
Dinner parties they’re hosting, dinner parties they’ve been invited to, and cooking techniques that they picked up at a little Italian cooking school in Sicily.
How they dress:
The daytime crowd opts for a casual outfit that showcases their best assets without seeming too overdressed to push a trolley. Whereas the night crowd can appear in anything from a full-blown dinner suit (they’re on their way to a charity dinner, didn’t you know?) right through to polished work wear. We suggest you dress to impress without looking like you’re trying too hard.
Ladders to look out for:
The celebrity TV chef you can invite to the next dinner party.
Snakes to avoid:
Your chatterbox nosey neighbour.
The Dinner Party
Where:
Impressive multi-million dollar mansions that scream pretension.
Who:
A lighthearted mix of It Girls, successful entrepreneurs, sharp-tongued creative folk and a B-grade celebrity or two. All of whom will quite easily natter away until the sun comes up.
The conversation:
Themselves. Popular topics include how many other pressing social invites they had to decline to be at this particular dinner, all the exciting, fabulous creative projects they’re juggling, and the money they’re making.
How they dress:
The latest, the hottest, the shortest.
Ladders to look out for:
Sweetening up the host or hostess will ensure you’re invited back.
Snakes to avoid:
The one guest who inevitably ends up inebriated, verbally attacking anyone in their line of sight.
The Airline Lounge
Where:
A member’s only or frequent flyers’ lounge.
Who:
The inebriated are looking for a dark corner to sleep off their hangover after the raucous all-nighter that ended with a 7 am check-in time. Unfortunately for them, the lounge is also a veritable magnet for the wealthy, the connected and therefore the influential, thus increasing their chances of drunkenly stumbling into the client they’ve been so desperate to snare.
The conversation:
Where they’re jetting to and whom they’re meeting up with, where they partied last night, and where they’ll be partying once they touch down.
How they dress:
Last night’s clothes, hastily covered up with cashmere and dark shades, or a stiff suit sans its $6000 jacket, which is artfully thrown over the handle of their Louis Vuitton carry-on.
Ladders to look out for:
Potential clients with whom you can bond over your jet-setting lifestyles.
Snakes to avoid:
Chatty co-workers from the office may try to continue a conversation throughout the course of the 12-hour flight ahead.
