Office Christmas parties inhabit a realm where the liquid soundtrack of alcohol is a bittersweet symphony of memories made and reputations ruined. A cacophony formed of the sounds of someone falling ass-first off a table, someone being promised an empty promotion, someone being promised an empty sofa, someone sloppily slapping Ross from IT in the mouth (with their mouth) and Susan from HR applying a projectile application of ‘yuletide glee’ to a completely defenceless sidewalk.

This corporate Christmas season, consider these simple etiquette tweaks and conquer the annual office experiment unscathed.

Marketing 

Whether you work in the marketing department or not, you should know the basic warning signs of a public relations disaster, not just for your company, but for yourself. It is recommended you go through at least two (sober) friends before making any decisions prior to and during the event. Always side with conservatism (not the deplorable kind) in consumption, conversation and especially fancy dress.

Drinking

An ‘open bar’ is not a race against time, and by time we mean sobriety, because you will always lose. Know your limits, even if you know the company’s budget boundaries are about to cut spirits from the menu. If after two drinks you are confident, five drinks loose and loveable, and seven a wild card, set the bar for the three to six mark by telling the bartender when to cut you off… for health reasons — the health of your career, that is.

Eating 

It’s easy to accidentally head straight to a party with nothing in your stomach if your usual routine is to eat dinner at home. But if you eat before your first sip, not only will you have a lower blood alcohol content and feel less drunk, but you’ll also sober up more quickly. Remember; carbs and dairy. Carbs to fill your stomach and dairy to line it, think French, or Italian.

Party Tricks 

Again, apply the PR theory as to whether or not you should choose an all-office event to debut your party piece. While it is indeed possible you possess the dance moves of a young Michael Jackson, should you really do the splits, here, now, in that outfit?

Hold Your Tongue

Once yearly, the company heads descend from their ivory tower to walk amongst the people. The time and place for a frank discussion of your company’s failings is in a trite PowerPoint attached to a three-page email no one will ever read the entirety of. NOT as a hate-filled harangue in which you take your actual opinions to your actual employer at the actual office Christmas party.

Sins of the Flesh

Leave your sins at home. Becoming ‘involved’ with colleagues is sincerely frowned upon in a social setting. Sneaking back to the privacy of the office bay windows is even worse. The publicised rule goes that unless you have consciously (soberly) admired a co-worker from afar for a minimum of at least three months, then it is probably best not to engage with them at all. Ideally, you will also apply the PR filter of asking the advice of two sober friends beforehand.

Coming Clean

In some settings, the social lubricant of alcohol can suddenly turn on you and become a serum of truth. Your willingness to open up is venerable until you oust your uncouth shared-kitchen habits, the time you keyed the bitchy receptionist’s car, anything bathroom related, or worse still, that you plan your holidays around your ex-partner’s (to surreptitiously bump into them). Drive the conversation away from yourself at almost every opportunity or you may ‘total’ your career.

Keeping Evidence 

Discreetly taking photos and recordings of your superiors in lewd and compromising situations is always a good idea for future lawsuits or pay negotiations. Alternatively, wear a GoPro on your head all night and be a party to everyone’s best manners around you for fear their wives, husbands, or shareholders might see the footage. 

Latergram

Do not, under any circumstances, post anything on social media until at least the following day. Instagram stories, in particular, are to be avoided at all costs.

The Out 

It’s not wise to leave the party without a concrete excuse or an imminent fake phone call emergency. Always have an out — arrange a tangible purpose for your departure at any time and a dummy evacuation contingency call. PRO TIP: your phone alarm can act as a phone call in lieu of reliable friends and family.

How to Apologise

Never apologise, unless politely gestured to by your manager. There is always a chance no one noticed, or everyone forgot. In the unlikely event your actions seriously disaffected others, the line goes ‘the alcohol had a bad reaction with medication you are taking for *insert terrible affliction’.