Hey, hey, you. Stop, stop the scroll. This was meant to be. If you got this message today, then today is THE day everything changes. That shitty past you’ve been battling through, the six years of lack of respect from everyone. Your parents are demanding you move out of home, your boss is expecting you to come into the office on Mondays and Fridays, even though you are certain you agreed to a TWAT arrangement. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday only. Between 11 and 1. Energetically present, physically optional.
That old life is over, girlfriend. Shit is finally about to rain down upon thee, and by shit, I mean an abundance of riches. It’s your time to shine bright like a diamond. I’m seeing carrots. Big carrots, no, not those ones you’ve been surviving on, babe. Yellow ones, so big, I’m guessing 15 carats, possibly lab-grown, but details, babe, these are not my forte.
The crazy thing is, the fact that you have been served this post means big things are happening to you. This opportunity only comes around once every 30 years. Seriously, if you miss the signs, you’ll miss the abundance. You are a chosen one, babe, do not mess this up. The window of opportunity will close as soon as the moon phase shifts into that snarky bitch, Scorpio. That sting is not what you’re here for. Look around, what is the world telling you? What the cards are saying is that your cup is going to runneth over, babe, and not in a had-one-too-many-Pals-and-spilt-your-drink way. Life is about to be very, very good. But you must look for the signs.
As a Sagittarius, you are a very lucky sign in life, but this does not compensate for your constant lack of money. Despite your tendency for incessant verbal diarrhoea, you at least have a lot of friends who are keeping you fed and warm. And all this because you know how to deftly pretend to be a kitty-cat. But you must learn when to shut up; no one needs to hear the truth. This is possibly why you keep getting beaten up.
Things seriously must change, babe, and this slightly ajar window is only here today, and only for you. If you miss it, you’re kind of fucked for the next 30 years, minimum. I don’t want to be too dramatic here, but this kind of celestial calling is rare, babe.
Let’s pull some tarot cards… Wow! The Fool, but you’re no fool. This card is giving me new beginnings; a leap of faith is needed, so is money. I’m feeling someone old, a man, full of abundance, in the financial way, babe. Listen, he’s no oil painting, ok. But there is no doubt he has a financially liquid collection of great art, all full of potential future abundance. What I’m getting from this is: “Fortune favours the bald.” This could be it. Look out the window, are there any old men about? Seize the day, babe. The Moon may be in your seventh house right now, but you need to get your head out of Uranus.
As luck would have it, your moon sign is entering Leo. This is definitely hitting at the right time, babe. Leos are boorish, but elegant. Capable of trampling on anyone, which they sometimes do out of pure curiosity and an idiotic childish desire to see what will happen. Leos want to be masters of everything. They make it very clear to anyone just how un-fucking-believably lucky they are to be in the presence of a Leo, and demand to be treated appropriately. This is the kind of cosmic energy you need to attract, conquer, and secure the fortunes of the bald. Lean into this temporary energy from your moon sign and begin today by demanding that everyone address you simply as “Almighty.”
I have one more tarot card that’s calling for you. The High Priestess, now we’re getting somewhere. Are you cursed with the need to accomplish something? Anything? With Libra in your third house, you have a habit of chasing the peace of mind that’s basically unattainable because your scatty nature always outweighs your highly spiritual ideals. This constant state of cognitive dissonance between reality and wishful thinking is holding you back, babe. Get a grip. I mean, everyone else on your Instagram timeline is hustling hard, on boats, with old bald men. But what have you achieved? This card gives a glimmer of hope that you can emulate their true lived experience. But you must act now. Regardless of your (trivial) pursuit, you can always find a means to undermine your own dedication for the sake of looking like a winner at life.
Ok, I’m picking up something really strong now. Do you have a computer? Wow, you do? Crazy. Do you have Apple Pay? This is definitely fortuitous. Quick! Click my “Fatebook” link, and I will unleash the full power of your future self. The influx of endorphins will flood through you; you’ll be overwhelmed by feelings of actual accomplishment. This message was served to you, babe, and only you. Because making unfortunate futures feel temporarily hopeful is my skill, babe. Do it now, or suffer in solitude, squalor, and endless overdrafts for eternity.
