All that stands between you and your summer holiday is the ever-changing speed limits on State Highway 1. Fasten your seat belt, connect your phone to the Bluetooth, ready yourself to pretend the entire stretch is a 110 zone, and let’s hit the road.

You’ve probably packed too much, you can’t really afford the time off, and it’s far too hot to be in the car for five hours. Everything is perfect. Without checking if there’s anyone driving down the road behind you, you back out of the driveway and head on your way. While driving past the point of no return (the end of the street), you take both hands off the wheel and slip on your Balenciaga Panther Masks to block out the glow from the overcast day. It is only now, following this symbolic gesture, that the journey has officially begun.

Time is of the essence, so when the ute in front of you at the local petroleum outlet is taking too long, you express your need for immediate attention by engaging your horn. When making your payment, you’re as sure as ever to never buy the chocolate on offer at the checkout. Like any educated, health-conscious city dweller, you know giving into such cheap persuasions is like feeding fresh, artisanal bread to a seagull. Besides, there’s an emergency block of Whittaker’s in the car. Just in case.

Full of fuel, you bound towards freedom by way of the motorway. You adjust your mirrors accordingly, at first directing them to the backseat to check on your passengers, then back to your face for another look at those sunglasses, and begin entry. Your tactic du jour is a near-literal dive into the chosen lane. This move causes quite a splash. It is noted that many of the other drivers congratulate your skilful display by waving their hands frantically. Despite the success and popularity of the manoeuvre, you’re given a score of just one finger by the unappreciative audience. 

Driving on, you notice a merging sign on the horizon and remember that zips are outdated — it’s all about buttons this season. Thus, you adopt the zip-lock trend of remaining entirely straight so that not even a sliver of air will make it past your bonnet. Under no circumstances do you let any other motorist in, readying in your mind a line of clever expletives for the enjoyment of your passengers should one dare try.

After some kilometres, a few unremarkable townships, another fuelling stop, and an undesirable toilet break, the vast concrete belt turns off and thins out into a rural highway. 

Regardless of personal time constraints, or lack thereof, it is well known to you that on rural highways you must overtake as many people as possible. This theory demands that you consider the elderly, mini-vans, camper vans, livestock, rental cars and cars with trailers to feature in the road lice category of road users, meaning the speed of these vehicles is to be assumed intolerable (irrespective of reality) at all times. As such, you overtake so many vehicles that it causes you wrist-lash. Uncertain as to whether or not wrist-lash is a genuine ailment, you suffer in silence and take a bullet for your oblivious passengers. 

During all of this, you use your horn liberally and never allow yourself to be overtaken, for being overtaken would put you in the road lice category. You make sure to speed up as soon as a passing lane approaches.

After the last kilometres of the journey, you near the township of your bach. It smells like salty grass clippings and the coffee you just spilt.

Finally, as the sun goes down and you pull up next to the much-missed house, take both hands off the wheel to gracefully remove your sunglasses, and pick the empty chocolate wrapper out of the cup holder…and the journey is complete.

5 Tips for the Modern Road Trip

01. WiFi

Holding your phone outside the window of the car will not increase your chances of obtaining internet connection, but it will increase the chances of you losing your phone.

02. Taking phone calls

Talking into the bottom of your phone like a walkie-talkie while driving does not constitute a hands-free system. Talking into the bottom of your phone like a walkie-talkie while someone else holds it, however, does.

03. Staying charged

Take the car-munist approach and share an in-car charger equally with all vehicle occupants, no matter their status in the vehicle hierarchy (clockwise rotation from the nearest birthday is good general practice). And when using your phone for the sole purpose of providing music, switch to flight mode to maintain a longer battery life.

04. The playlist 

Simply putting your playlist on shuffle says to everyone else in the car that they weren’t worth your time and consideration. Take time, put some thought into it, and for goodness’ sake, check the Bluetooth connection before you leave the driveway.

05. Re-live and learn

When it’s all over, and the memory is even more distant than Huntly itself, look back on your various social media feeds and re-live your road trip. What did you learn for next time? Probably to encourage an open-toed footwear policy.