The new dog ownership rules

The dog days are over. Enough already of the hoity pampered hound syndrome, it’s time man’s best friend was put back in his rightful place, ensconced upon his own sheepskin-covered bed on the floor.

1. It is not acceptable to allow the big, loopy golden retriever to ‘pre-clean’ the dishes before they go into the dishwasher. I mean, are you mad!?

2. Your labradoodle should not have a dedicated piece of human furniture that it lounges on. Assert what little authority you have, firmly remove said mutt and reclaim what’s rightfully yours.

3. The dog no longer has a right to sleep on, or more importantly, in the bed. Other than it being unsanitary, consider your romantic endeavours grinding to a halt. Unless of course you’re into that kind of stuff, in which case you need serious help.

4. Dressing your teacup whatchamacallit in clothing is not chic. And if you’ve gone as far as to dress it in socks, shoes and a hat; their petrified stance and unspoken sadness say it all?

5. Stop feeding your dog by hand, and especially not the free-range, grass-fed eye fillet from the local butcher. Your dog will eat what it’s given, which should absolutely be dog food.

6. Your dog should not put guests in awkward positions when greeted at the door. Curious noses in crotches or bottoms are strictly prohibited

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