Dinner dates are a perilous business at the best of times, here's what to avoid.
It’s safe to say that at one time or another, we’ve all been put through an excruciating dining experience – one where the indecisive behaviour of our companions makes us want to snatch the very menu that’s in their hands and throw it at against the far wall for want of a less aggressive demonstration of our feelings. In the hopes of avoiding the eventuation of these awkwardly rash situations, here’s an all-encompassing list of the various types of the people you should try your hardest never to go out to dinner with.
1. People who refuse to pick a restaurant.
At least you can identify this type of individual early on and renege on the offer prior to the meal.
2. People who get too dressed up.
You’re getting something to eat, not going to Cirque du Soleil.
3. People who ask the waiter to explain, in depth, the details of every dish.
You don’t even like fish.
4. People who refuse to try anything new.
Ever. Teriyaki chicken donburi anyone? You know, they do make other flavours.
5. People who don’t know how to wait for food.
Let’s get real. You’re not on the cusp of malnutrition.
6. People with a crippling fear of noodle splatter.
We try not to be embarrassed, but we really can’t help it when you tuck your serviette into your collar.
7. People who take phone calls at the table.
Being the third wheel is most offensive when there aren’t even three of you physically present.
8. People who spend more time talking about their food than actually eating it.
“Oh gosh! Look, it’s food. I love food.” There’s a reason why people don’t take you out often.
9. People who pretend to know a lot about wine.
I dare you to talk more about its tanins.
10. People who order something dumb and then sulk about it.
Stop looking longingly at our plates. You made your bed and now you have to lie in it.
11. People who pack it in as though they’re about to fast for 6 months.
We’re not even half way through and you’re already looking at your watch.
12. People who eat very, verrry, slowly.
You’re not even half way through and we’re already looking at our watches.
13. People who have trouble transporting food from their plates to their mouths.
It really ought to be a 100 percent success rate.
14. People who are prepared to split dimes when it comes to paying the bill.
Really though? It’s $5.
15. People who wave a the wait staff to get their attention.
Or snap their fingers and shout ‘garcon!’
16. People who proclaim they can’t eat something because ‘they’re on a diet’.
Smug dieters do better to stay at home.
17. People who force you to eat dessert to make themselves feel better about their own dietary choices.
Don’t take us down with you.
18. People who are gluten-free/dairy-free/vegan.
Call us intolerant but your intolerance is killing us.