Ditch the disappointment and take on some resolutions that might actually be accomplished instead.
Lose weight, become a vegetarian and find a willing sugar daddy or mama to satisfy your luxury cravings. It’s no wonder the large majority of resolutions are ignored within the first two weeks, or even the first two hours, only to resurface the same time the following year. There’s no need to set oneself up for disappointment however. Simply start small, tick them off and experience the glowing satisfaction that follows. Here are a few achievable resolutions to get you started:
1. Don’t drink directly from the bottle… unless it’s a beer, and on the odd occasion of extreme jubilance, Champagne.
2. Refrain from boasting about former glories, beauty, strength or luck — no one likes a show-off. Focus on the present instead.
3. No more writing in text speak. While it’s great to know that you’re ‘cumin 2nyt’ we’re a little confused by the context.
4. Refrain from reading, watching or following anything that involves reality TV stars – they need no further encouragement.
6. Stop relying solely on Facebook as a way to find out the ‘news’.
7. Leave your smartphone alone for at least ten minutes after sex.
8. Stop taking the elevator to the 1st or 2nd floor. It’ll be a step in the right direction towards that lofty ‘lose weight’ resolution you continually attempt to reach.
9. Expand your conversational repertoire. Everyone’s heard that story before — and there’s a reason for the steady decline in social invites.
10. Stop self-diagnosing illnesses on the internet. What started as a simple stomach ache can have you convinced you are suffering from polycystic kidney disease.