A guide to writing your father’s day card

"If life gives you lemonade — make lemons, and life will be all like whaaaaat?"

Fathers — as wonderful as they are — can oft be fickle communicators. Hence, come the first weekend of September, we’re reduced to the lowly forms of humour that are endemically found on the front of Father’s Day greeting cards. From grilling, to passing wind and everything in between that might signify the extent of your paternal relationship, we suggest you avoid the following clichés only to reach deep within yourself and draw upon some compelling content (not dissimilarly to Angela Stone’s healing session in episode 2 of The Real Housewives of Auckland).

1. Flatulence
We all suffer from it time to time — no need to be churlish.

2. The fact that he likes barbequing
Hereby insinuating that he is a Neanderthal; “Me like fire.”

3. Dad jokes
It’ll only serve as encouragement. Instead revisit some of the better advice he’s given you, such as Peter Dunphy’s, “If life gives you lemonade — make lemons, and life will be all like whaaaaat?”

4. Anything to do with his relationship with your mother
Especially when it comes to your conception and the events leading up to it. No one needs to relive that. Best stick to the ‘growing up’ rather than the ‘being born’ theme.

5. The fact that he comes in second after mum
Parental favouritism is not acceptable on this day.

6. The “thanks for being Mr. Fix-it”
(Read: I could replace you with a Hire-A-Hubby but I know it makes you feel important).

7. The ‘you are my iron man’ slant
Only legitimate if he runs 80km week and can bench press 150kg.

8. The fact that it’s Father’s Day
You might as well cut to the chase with ‘this all feels a bit forced’.

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